Monday, Friend Zone

I am a 30-year-old woman who is deeply smitten with a close friend I'll call "Andy." He often tells me about other women he's interested in. As his friend, I am more than happy to listen to his troubles and offer advice. At the same time, it's not always easy to hear about these women because of my feelings for him.

Do you think that once someone is in the "friend zone" it's possible to move beyond that? Or am I doomed to a lifetime of being "the friend"?



Step by step game plan:

1. Go out to a bar. Talk about what you normally talk about, whether it be that Mitch Hedberg joke you two always bring up, or how you cannot stand your friend Stacy and how she won't shut the fuck up about her meticulous details of her wedding plans.
2. Make sure Andy gets drunk.
3. Tell Andy you like him. Even if he doesn't like you back, he will have alcohol in his system. Odds are he will at least sleep with you. This will soften the blow that you are in the friend zone FOREVER!

Men are more oblivious when it comes to sending signals. So, if you are sick of hearing how many gals he bangs, tell him you don't want to hear it, or that you like him.
Being friends is important first, so you got that out of the way. If all else fails, sleep with his twin brother, or best friend. This will make him speak up if he really likes you.
Once again, I am right.

Cosmo Comparison

I couldn't resist. Cosmo is now pumping columns through MSN because all print media is dying. My writing is in the orange. This is my take on :

Why Guys Dump Girls They Dig

Nothing is more upsetting than when a guy you darn well know is into you pulls the plug. One man gets to the bottom of out-of-the-blue breakups.

Chances are, you've had at least one breakup that left you wondering, "What the heck just happened?" The guy dug you, you dug him, and the whole thing felt destined for a fabulous future — at least the foreseeable one. Then, out of nowhere, he bailed on the relationship.

So what went wrong? The sad truth is, maybe nothing. Here are five completely ridiculous reasons guys kick you to the curb. Warning: For the most part, it ain't pretty.

1. The Timing Is Off
Women get serious when they meet the right man. Men get serious with whomever we happen to be dating when we're finally ready to settle down. That means after every other aspect of our life is in order — whether it's finishing grad school, finally pulling down a good-size paycheck, owning a car outright — or when our friends start dropping like flies (that's guyspeak for getting married).

But if you catch a guy before he hits that magical stage of his life, then he's liable to bolt — like Patrick,* 28, who dumped Bridgett after two years, then got engaged to the next girl he dated after only 10 months. "When I was with Bridgett, all of my friends were single and I was still an intern with nothing going on in my career. So every time she'd bring up our future together, it felt like she was jumping the gun," he says. "I didn't break up with her because she was wrong for me. I ended it because I didn't want to commit to anyone right then. But by the time I met Elizabeth, I was in a settling-down frame of mind."

I have never thought about it like that, therefore, it’s untrue. Did you ever think that you got engaged to the next girl, because the one before it was a total pain in the ass? This should really be categorized as “By Comparison.” I have come out of terrible relationships to girls that were laid back, and thought holy shit, this is easy? Only to realize 8 months down the line they turn into a blurred image of the one before.

2. We're Not Finished Playing the Field
Men are natural-born one-uppers. If there's a possibility of upgrading what we already have for something better (that'll make our friends drool), we say, bring it on! So we wind up always wondering if you're really as good as it gets. (I know, scumbag mentality.) "Whenever I meet a new hot chick, I consider what it would be like to date her, even if I have a girlfriend at the time," says Andy, 30. "The grass is always greener. No matter how great his current girl is, a guy doesn't want to feel like he's missing out."

In addition to our opportunistic tendencies, most guys feel compelled to put as many sexual conquests under their belts as possible. "I admit it — I know the exact number of girls I've slept with, no mental calculation required," says Dan, 29. "That's how aware I am of how many notches I have. And I'd never commit until I felt like I'd experienced enough different women."

Every guy's definition of enough is different, so there's a chance he wrote you off just because you didn't come late enough on his own personal hit list. The moral of the story: Until we grow up, mark everything off our sexual checklists or have too many friends convince us that we can't do better than you, the flight risk is real.

Um, sorry, but my dick does not have a bucket list. If I manage to find a girl that I’m compatible and happy with, I’m not going to get rid of her because my penis has a counter on the side like a fucking Skip It. Women, stop dating frat guys that consider Dane Cook the next Richard Pryor.

3. We're Fixated on the Worst-Case Scenario
From the times you chastise us for leaving a wet towel on the bed to those nights you rip through a pint of fudge ripple without stopping to breathe, we file each incident in a mental folder labeled "Evidence She'll Change for the Worse." We flip through that file whenever we're trying to decide if we want to hang on to the relationship. Blame our married friends who took the plunge before us, but many single guys are hyperaware of what could go wrong down the road.

Even if we're crazy about you now, we panic that you'll pack on the pounds, want sex only once a month and nag us day and night. So we secretly flag certain things we're scared might be a harbinger of bad things to come. "I've seen it happen to too many of my friends," says Elliot, 29. "All they do is complain about how the sex takes a total nosedive after they get serious with a girl. So sometimes, even if the woman I'm dating is a saucy little minx, I freak out and bail."

This one is true. A woman’s attitude will break down like Chris Mullin’s career. If I have gained any knowledge about women, it’s that they are ticking time bombs. The only difference is to what degree, and how long before you build a panic room in your house just to get five minutes away from somebody that lovingly points out everything you do that’s wrong. After being in a worthless 5 year relationship I can almost sense when a girl is about to make a scene. Kind of like when Jeff Goldblum decided that a dinosaur park is dangerous a couple scenes before the T-Rex attacks the Ford Explorers in Jurassic Park.

4.We're in Like, Not in Love
It's harsh but true. In fact, it's probably the most common reason we bolt. Just because a guy likes you a lot isn't a guarantee that it will evolve into love. And we're surprisingly intuitive when it comes to figuring out a girl's potential on this front. "I stayed with one woman for two years because the sex was great and she never pushed the issue, but I knew the minute I met her that she wasn't The One," says David, 30.

So why do we invest any time in a relationship that we know will ultimately end? Because we're able to live in the moment for a while and chalk it up to a good experience. But once you show that you're way more into us than we are into you, we'll dump you out of guilt. "I dated this girl for about a year, but as soon as she started using the L word, I had to end it," recalls Jay, 29. "It was hard. I cared about her and didn't want to hurt her. But I knew that if I stuck around, she'd have been happier at first but miserable later on. After all, she deserved to be with someone who loved her as much as she loved me."

Also true. Women have watched enough Mandy Moore movies to know that if you are dating someone for three months, you will marry him!!! This is where I kind of get teased by my friends. Most of the reason I don’t date people for very long is that women are rushing to put a label on everything you do. Whatever happened to hanging out for awhile and seeing what it evolves to? Those are the best kind of relationships, because you actually get to know the person; so you can avoid surprises dropped on you like, “I know the Hawks are on, but this is when I watch The Hills.” If you have already jumped into a relationship it’s harder not to take away the remote and call her a bitch.

5. We're Too into You
Just when you thought it was all bad news, here's a hard-to-fess-up admission: Guys are protective of their emotions. Translation: We're scared spitless of being hurt. So, if we start to feel like we're getting into a situation where we'll be destroyed if you dump us, we might launch a preemptive strike and yank the plug first.

For Gary, 27, showing his girlfriend of two years the exit felt like the only choice. "She was the first girl I was serious with, and I didn't like letting someone have that much power over me. I was starting to feel emotionally needy, and that was uncomfortable for me," he recalls. "So I ditched her to save myself!"

Sounds crazy, but cut us some slack. Think about how vulnerable and paranoid you feel when you're nuts about a guy, and realize that we go through the same thing with girls we really like. But our friends aren't as good at helping us get over an ex as yours are, plus being openly heartbroken makes us look like wusses. Nope, it's better to act like a winner before you turn us into a loser, which is when our natural self-preservation may come into play. Before the real humiliation and pain assail us like a plague, ending the relationship seems like a good option.

I guess that works. I don’t know. If I’m really into somebody, I let them know that I like them and keep the rest to myself. There are times to show a gal that you like them, but going overboard scares them away too. Another technique is showing that you care, and then at other times like you don’t even notice. This drives women completely nuts and their confusion turns into obsession. The tables thus become turned. So anything you give her positive will feel magnified in her mind, and you still stay a dream boat!

Side note: Nobody says “wusses” anymore. That’s so 90’s.

Are You About to Be Jilted? Signs that your man's getting ready to bail:

His cell phone is always off. He might be spending time with someone he doesn't want you to know about ... or he just doesn't want to make himself available.

I am one that believes if you are spending quality time together, I don’t want it interrupted. This is where technology sucks. If I haven’t seen you all week and we are watching a movie together and you keep texting someone that is ruining our night, stay the fuck home. I either turn off my phone or keep it silent for the most part. I have been accused of hiding calls or texts, which is beyond ridiculous. I just have manners.

He's reluctant to make plans. If he hems and haws about committing to anything — even if it's in the semi-near future — he's thinking about making a break for it.

This depends on what the schedule is like. Mine is pretty busy, so if I can’t do one day I’ll try and make it another day……If I like the person. If I am not feeling it anymore, I’m not going to try. The excuse of “Different schedules” is french for “I don’t like you like that anymore.”

He's meaner. The passive-aggressive breakup is a guy standby. Some men intentionally turn into a-holes to make sure you break up with them.

Yeah...This isn’t fun to do. But it happens. Ignoring phone calls and texts is another mean way to go about it, but so effective. Girls do it too, so don’t think I’m a total asshole.

He's not into sex. He doesn't want to feel connected to you — or he's getting his needs filled somewhere else.

Yeah...Cosmo got one right.

In conclusion, men are shit sometimes. However, a lot of these situations are just the occupational hazards of dating. Rejection, overcompensating, meaningless sex. It’s kind of a nightmare. Dating is terrible, but to quote Patton Oswalt, “It’s a fun nightmare, and then there are boners in it somehow.”

I also learned that Cosmo got almost half of that right. They have been misleading women for years, i.e. Don’t grab testicles with kung fu grip. I don’t want my future accidents coming out as little Corky’s.

Tuesday, Kiddie Problems

I'm in middle school. I've been having some troubles with a teacher. I told this teacher something recently and she has insulted me and made me feel dumb.

She acts as if I am dumb in front of the entire class! I try to not let it get to me, but it's starting to really hurt me! Help!

Are you fucking shitting me?! This is your problem? Everyone thinks their teacher is mean to them, and sometimes you will get a vicious one, because they have real problems they are taking out on you. Real problems. Wait until you get a mortgage, or when your ex-boyfriend knocks you up right after high school because you thought that sex would bring him back to you. Wait until your landlord raises your rent, even though somebody got robbed at gunpoint ten yards outside of your front door. Wait until you are in the unemployment line just begging to God to give you the courage to do the car in the garage suffocating thing.

And here you are bitching that your math teacher got mad at you once. I hope your future at Red Lobster is fulfilling.

It's Good to be Back

Sorry I have been gone. I blame being social, playoff hockey, and writing for other things. But I'm back in a big way..

Tuesday, Cummunion

My husband and I have been married for more than 20 years, and I'm afraid he's cheating. Our love life has never been great, but several years ago it sunk to new lows.

At first I thought he was just tired from his long work hours, but then I started to wonder.When I call his office after hours, he rarely answers. He'll call back -- sometimes on his cell phone, and he is always "getting coffee" or "in the vault" when I call.

One time I even confronted him and asked if he was seeing another woman. He looked as if he was about to burst out laughing and said, "I would never want another woman."

He is usually honest, so I believed him, but I've started to wonder if I just asked him wrong or missed something in his answer.

I recently took a trip with the kids and when I came back I found out from friends that he hadn't gone to our church while I was gone. I found a flier in his Bible from a different church, and because he has always been a devout Baptist, I can't imagine him visiting a church from another denomination.

I started thinking it must be "her" church!

Would it be appropriate to call the pastor of this other church and ask if my husband came to church with anyone?

What do you think?

The body and the blood of Christ-ina!!!!!!!

I remember in eighth grade I went to CCD with a fun, lively group. We pretty much made fun of all the dorky kids in videos doing the "Right thing" in various situations. Then, we would have to go to confession every other week. I spent this time having my first makeout with a girl that developed way ahead of her time. Her boobs sparked my interest in going to CCD every Wednesday night, so you could say I had a religious experience. So, yeah I was confessing in to her face.

What this has to do with you is apparently church makes people horny. I have even known a couple of people that have boned on church grounds which is a bit disturbing, even for me.

If he is going to church with another woman, you are in trouble. Not only is he seeing another lady, but they are putting spiritual boners into it. Circle gets the square.

Like most of you whiny women that say "boo hoo, not fair," you need to sit down with this guy and talk about it. If your sex life is really suffering, dress up like see-through Mary Magdalene or have sex in a Howard Johnson's Inn (HoJo's) while the towel guy watches. Whatever you need to do to make that ship sail.

If he is cheating, well at least you get the house and half his earnings. Which, I'm pretty sure is a Lifetime victory for all women.

Thursday, Herpatitis C

I am trying hard to rebuild my marriage. My husband and I have three young children. Four months ago, I met a man (I'll call him "Jack") who made me feel like I haven't felt in a long time. We have not slept together. We tried several times to stop seeing each other, but unfortunately, my attraction to him was too strong.

This week my husband and I separated. I saw Jack this morning. Before things went too far I told him that I had herpes. Dr. KENNY, he practically had a heart attack -- and ended it on the spot!

The thing is, what I said wasn't true. I just could not think of another way to make him stop being available so I could concentrate on my marriage. I feel like such a coward, and I am heartbroken. Not only do I miss Jack terribly, I also can't bear the thought that someone who made me feel so happy would just turn his back on me.

Would there be any point in telling him that I lied, or did I do the right -- albeit cowardly -- thing?

You are one fucked up chick! Although, I think it exposes the good in you to not ruin your marriage entirely.

I really had to read this twice. And then something occured to me. You are the type that I date. Bear with me. Every girl I have ever dated has all these great qualities that makes me initially attracted to them. Then there comes a "There it is!" moment of insanity. Six months ago, I decided to start seeing this girl I met in the summer. I liked everything about her; she was funny, gorgeous, cute laugh, loved sports and had a decent taste in music. Before I could consemate things in the relationship she would tell me things she'd like me to do to her that sounded like dialogue in an episode of Oz or think Virginia Madsen's character in The Hot Spot. When all these red flags started going off, I ignored her calls. Then, she broke into my apartment. After moving away, she would still send friendly emails. Every girl I have ever dated is collectively Margot Kidder.

She kind of reminds me of you. You already ended things, and now you are trying to go back into the burning house.

By the way, a man wanting to throw a pot of scolding water on you and run the other way when he finds out you have herpes is normal. Did you really think he would buy you a baker's dozen sack of Vagicil and hold hands walking into the sunset. He is repulsed by you, so move on with your life.

Stop being a temptress lil' slut, get back with your husband, fuck him more, and take care of your children. Prob.lem.Solved.

5 tips to cure you children..

Before I delete my myspace, here is a blog that I posted over a year ago...Enjoy!

While i was doing some laundry tonight I happen to watch an episode of Supernanny. You know, the British chubbier version of Mary Poppins without the voice. Anyways, she had to deal with these two 7-8 year old boys. These kids acted like they escaped the portal of hell. They would throw shit at the nanny and kept trying to kick and punch their Dad in the balls. It was awful. However, I have a few of my own techniques of dealing with a child.

1. Good old fashion violence. Sure it’s looked down upon these days, but it needs to come back in a big way. These little fuckers run around the house like Marines that are on their third tour. Just vile, awful children who don’t have respect for anything. Let that kid know with a belt or a good hard spanking (The one that even stings your hand) that you don’t take any of their crazy shit.

2. Let a clown chase them around the house. If there is one thing that a child fears, it’s clowns. I still fear clowns. Persuade some guy that has had some "hard times" down at the Boys & Girls Club with a 30 pack of Old Style to dress up like a clown and strike some fear in your child’s heart. Go to work feeling good knowing that your children will be like savages as they run for hiding spots dodging the clown that stalks hallway to closet for the next 8 hours.

3. Don’t buy them food. Kids love food. And when they don’t have it, they get weak like the rest of us. But children don’t have the means to provide for themselves. This is where you exploit their weakness. When their little systems shutdown, their last thought will be I wish i had cleaned up the toys I am lucky to have.

4. Pitbulls love hateful children. Oh, so you like to hit mommy and daddy when something doesn’t go your way? Take it out on Bruno. Bruno likes to take his fun doggy aggression out on your eye sockets. You’ll wish you never refused to clean up the egg coloring kit you spilled on the floor.

5. Pretend you are dead. Get some fake blood and don’t get out of character. There is nothing that achieves clarity like a first brush with death. They will be wishing that you are alive and will feel sorry for everyday they were a little bastard.

If these don’t work, I don’t know what will. I can honestly say I don’t want children. I just came up with 5 ways to torture your child! I’m sure I’m being flagged for some parent awareness group. The patience; I cannot imagine. My respect to all my friends and family that are parents. I can’t imagine the sacrifices, and to my knowledge your kids aren’t from hell. High Five!

I have a feeling these new breakthrough methods will replace over prescribed ADHD medication.